Narrative from a suicidal mind

(Note: This is not my current frame of mind)

I wish I hadn’t woke up this morning. I wish that I would just not wake up. Can I stay asleep longer? I can’t feel the misery when I’m asleep. Sleep has run away though. 

I don’t want to keep going. I just don’t have it in me to be good enough for the world. I want it all to just disappear. I can’t keep coping with what’s being thrown at me. I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations. The world would be better off without a person like me in it.

I’m sure I have a knife sharp enough to slit my throat. But it’s kind of messy, I don’t want to make a big mess. It’s not fair to whoever needs to clean it up. Maybe if I did it in the shower? Then it would be easy. If I have the shower going a little then it won’t have time to coagulate and it’ll mostly clean itself up.

I’m sure I had a chart somewhere of the heights needed for a perfect hangman’s drop. Breaking my neck rather than choking to death sounds much less unpleasant. Might be a problem finding something high enough to anchor to though. Off the balcony maybe? It’s a quick enough death that even if the neighbors see me there, I’ll already be gone.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t got the drugs to slip away quietly the way I want to.  I wish I did, slipping quietly into endless sleep is the way I’d like to go if I had the choice. But I’d need a decent supply of narcotics or benzos to make that work.

But what about the family, what about the kids? Honestly, I think they’d be better off without me. I’m temperamental, moody, and I’m not coping with life. The kids need stability, and I’m not that. My family don’t need to have to support me every time a crisis comes. They’re all better off without me.

But what about the knock-on effects, the people that might decide to die because I have? That I feel bad for. But it’s not strong enough to make me stay. They need to choose their own path.

I don’t know if I have the strength to keep living, but it takes a different kind of strength to die. I don’t know if I have it in me today. I’m not desperate enough. I can maybe keep going a while longer. I don’t really want to die so much as I don’t want to keep on living, because living is too much.

Life is the default setting, and it’s easier to just let it spin on. Eventually it will get too hard to stick to the default, and then I’m in trouble. But it’s not today.

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7 thoughts on “Narrative from a suicidal mind

  1. Carrie Lange

    This makes me feel as if I’m peeking into the mind of my fiance, Dan, who killed himself several years ago. It makes me sad, but at the same time I appreciate your honesty. I never knew why he killed himself. Please stay strong. I’m glad you aren’t feeling this way now! Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Wombat Post author

      There are never any right words to say about a suicide. I am sorry for your loss, but that feels so inadequate. My hope in writing this is to show people on the outside what it’s like inside the world of the mentally ill. I hope it helps even though it hurts.

      Reply
      1. Carrie Lange

        You have accomplished that goal whole heartedly at least for one person – me! Seriously, so many people tried to tell me “why he did it”, but of course, who really knows? Reading your words helps me understand him. Keep writing. you will help lots of people. Bless you.

        Reply
  2. Wombat Post author

    It was hard to write, as well. I hope to not go too far down this path again, but I need to acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels this, and it’s a part that can get very strong. All of those ‘protective factors’ that they talk about, family, kids, friends, future plans – this part of me doesn’t care. It wants out. My worry is that one day it will be stronger than the part of me that keeps me safe.

    Reply
  3. Carrie Lange

    Reblogged this on Little Blog of Letting Go and commented:
    As I read this blog post from Drop Bear Exterminator, I couldn’t help feel I was peeking into the mind of my fiance, Dan, who killed himself several years ago. After he died, many people tried to explain to me what he was probably thinking…why he did it…why anyone does it. But, I still always wondered what was going through his mind. Now, I feel like I have a better understanding. Thank you, Wombat.
    If we want to prevent more suicides, it’s important for us to understand the state of mind of a suicidal person. We think what they do is illogical, but they have their own logic. And unfortunately, the logic of a suicidal mind is often very strong.

    Reply
  4. Pingback: Narrative from a suicidal mind | The Struggles of trying to be the best person I can for my family and the obstacles I face for it.

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