I met with my case manager at Community Mental Health today. I’ve been asking for almost a month now to see a different psychiatrist, after the one I was assigned . . . well, didn’t work out so well. The news wasn’t good.
Apparently, the process to change psychiatrists in the mental health system involves having to see the relevant party again with another worker present and try to resolve the issues. Because I don’t feel like I can do that after that first meeting that left me feeling so beaten down, they can’t move forward with the process. My options are to go back to said psychiatrist or to look elsewhere for help.
A large part of me feels like I just can’t go back to him, that he was so disrespectful of me and so arrogant that I don’t want to go back into that situation. I feel like not going back keeps me safe from the feelings he triggered in me. But there’s a part that says ‘you’re sabotaging your own treatment by not going to him. If you don’t play the game then you’ll never get treated. You need to stop being so difficult and do what’s expected of you’.
I feel trapped by these two conflicting thought patterns. I don’t know whether I should go back, whether I’m just being stubborn, whether I’m flat-out wrong. Or whether I’m within my rights, that I shouldn’t have to go back to someone that treated me badly (badly enough that my partner was fuming as well), that I’m keeping myself safe by not going back into a situation that made me feel unsafe.
My partner and I decided that we would take another path. We have the resources to be able to see a private psychiatrist, so we’re taking that option. At least when you’re paying them, you get to have the choice of who you see.
I feel a lot of guilt doing this. Most people can’t afford this option, and they have to just take whatever the system throws at them and make the best of it. So I feel guilty for being able to short-circuit the system. But the other option seems so much less appealing.