It took me a long time to learn to be even-tempered. As a teen, I was very prone to bouts of anger and irritability, and those around me often suffered. When I had my first child, I decided that I needed to change. I learned to take a deep breath before saying or doing anything hasty. And it worked. I learned to control myself much better.
Since starting Olanzapine, I’ve become grumpy and irritable much more easily than I used to be. Small things rub me the wrong way, and I snap for no reason. I’m grumpy so much more of the time, and things that I wouldn’t react to before, suddenly drive me nuts.
I can’t cope with repetitive noises, with repeated questions, with not getting the answer I was looking for quickly. I’m snapping at little things. And I hate it.
I try to control my reactions, but more and more I find I need to take myself out of situations because I can’t deal with them in an acceptable way. I zone out so I don’t hurt people around me, but it doesn’t always work.
When I told my psych about this, he said that it probably wasn’t a side effect, that it was just the way I was when I wasn’t so badly depressed. I don’t know. I don’t think that this is just the way I am. Maybe it is. But if it is, I don’t want to be this person. This person is not anything like what I want to be, and not anything like what I was for the year and a half prior to starting back on meds.
This person is not at all what I want to be. It makes suicidal thoughts harder, because they whisper to me that a person with such a short temper shouldn’t be around.
Am I this impatient, snappish, horrible person? Is that who I really am inside? I don’t want it to be. I want to be better than that.