Yesterday I went to CMH again to see my case manager. I do this every week, and every week it drains me a bit. this time we got on to talking about the way I think.
“Should” is an oft-used word in my vocabulary. I should do this, be this, think this. Most of all I ‘should’ be able to cope with life. Apparently, the term for this is black-and-white thinking.
I set very high standards for myself, and I can end up beating myself up for not achieving them. Near enough often just isn’t good enough. I think it stems back to my teen years, when nothing at all was good enough. I would come home from prizegiving every year with a pile of trophies so big I wouldn’t carry them all, and still be verbally abused the next day and told I was no good. I internalised that a lot, and now if I’m not giving the absolute best I can, I feel like I’m not good enough. Sometimes, even when I’m doing my best I still feel like I’m failing.
The take-home message from today was that my black-and-white, good-or-failed thinking was causing me problems. That I needed to be kinder to myself, and employ other types of thinking.
The message I felt like I was taking home was that I’m even more broken than I thought I was. That I have yet another broken bit that needs fixing. There was nothing about what I can do to change this, no advice, nothing I could work on. Just this sense of being a failure in another area of my life.