The last week or so, I started to notice it. No longer wanting to wake up in the mornings. The feeling of hopelessness returning. Weepiness with no real cause. More feelings of panic. Not wanting to leave the house. Depression is returning.
My plan to join the gym has fizzled, because the thought of going out to buy clothes suitable for it (my wardrobe staple, jeans, just won’t work) was overwhelming. I hate shopping at the best of times – the idea of doing it in this headspace is just too much.
I thought I was getting better. I thought that this was passing. But it’s not. I’m sinking again, and I don’t know how to stop it. I have an appointment on Monday with a new psychiatrist – maybe we can figure out a way to halt this before it spirals down too far.
I feel very unsure about going to the psych. He treated me when I was hospitalised last year, and I sort-of remember him as being very calming and listening to me. But my experience at CMH has made me so afraid of a new mental health professional. I am scared of having another experience like the last one, and I don’t know how I would cope with that again.
I don’t know what has triggered this. I don’t even know if there was a trigger. I did get a bad grade back on a paper I’d written last week – a B- and a lot of sarcastic comments. But that’s the only thing that’s happened, and it doesn’t seem like enough to push me back into the arms of depression. Maybe it didn’t need a trigger – maybe it’s just happening for no good reason. That happens, right?
All I want is to be well again, but today that seems like a big ask.