Depression Returning

The last week or so, I started to notice it. No longer wanting to wake up in the mornings. The feeling of hopelessness returning. Weepiness with no real cause. More feelings of panic. Not wanting to leave the house. Depression is returning.

My plan to join the gym has fizzled, because the thought of going out to buy clothes suitable for it (my wardrobe staple, jeans, just won’t work) was overwhelming. I hate shopping at the best of times – the idea of doing it in this headspace is just too much.

I thought I was getting better. I thought that this was passing. But it’s not. I’m sinking again, and I don’t know how to stop it. I have an appointment on Monday with a new psychiatrist – maybe we can figure out a way to halt this before it spirals down too far.

I feel very unsure about going to the psych. He treated me when I was hospitalised last year, and I sort-of remember him as being very calming and listening to me. But my experience at CMH has made me so afraid of a new mental health professional. I am scared of having another experience like the last one, and I don’t know how I would cope with that again.

I don’t know what has triggered this. I don’t even know if there was a trigger. I did get a bad grade back on a paper I’d written last week – a B- and a lot of sarcastic comments. But that’s the only thing that’s happened, and it doesn’t seem like enough to push me back into the arms of depression. Maybe it didn’t need a trigger – maybe it’s just happening for no good reason. That happens, right?

All I want is to be well again, but today that seems like a big ask.


3 thoughts on “Depression Returning

  1. Amelia

    I feel the same at present. It’s so hard, and like you I have developed a fear and anxiety of CMH because of bad experiences. I have also seen my friends suffer so badly when trying to get help. It seems like if you don’t follow a normal trajectory of recovery that they give up on you after a while. So for those people who will proably continue to struggle with mental health for a long period of time, or indefinately, the situation is dire. I have seen doctors and shrinks talk to people I love, fantastic people, like they are pathetic, or smaller than them, or even worse, just some annoying crazy person. As a result of this I feel quite alone. I also just feel like I’m a hassle to doctors because I’m not a quick fix and that they would prefer to just pass me on to somebody else (this has happened to me and others I know). I sometimes feel that if shit turns really bad, that I will be on my own. And that scares me. A lot.

    1. Wombat Post author

      My appointment is with a private psych, so maybe I have more chance of getting somewhere. CMH is just so dire, and the way it treats people who aren’t quick fixes is awful. That feeling of not being able to turn to the people that are supposed to be there to help you when it gets bad is so terrifying – it leaves you with nowhere to turn. I honestly wish I’d never gone down the path to CMH, but at the time I wasn’t given any choice. I asked for a referral to a private psych (hell, if you have the resources to do it, then why not?) but I was just sent off to start down the road to CMH. It’s made me feel like I always do when I see them – that I’m both sicker than I thought I was, and not worthy of being treated well. I think it’s actually worse that I had a positive experience with the Crisis psych, it made me less wary and more open to the mental beatdown that was to come.
      I hope one day that it’s better, that people like us will be treated with patience, care, and respect. That when we’re in need of care that it will be given without the sick prejudices that accompany long-term mental illness. That instead of being beaten down, people in mental health will learn to help us lift ourselves up again.


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