Frustration

I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. I take my meds religiously. I take my supplements. I get enough sleep. I go to the gym. I go to all my appointments (apart from the odd first-day-of-medication counselling appointments – first days are never good)

SO WHY AM I GETTING WORSE? It doesn’t make any sense. I’m fighting just as hard as I possibly can, yet the black dog on my shoulder is growing heavier and growling louder.

It’s so frustrating. It’s not supposed to go like this. You do everything as prescribed, and you get better. Not getting better is supposed to be the result of non-compliance. But I’m complying as hard as humanly possible, and I’m not getting well.

I don’t know what to think about it all. I’ve fought through side effect hell (this time round, it seems to be killer headaches and itching) and taken my meds no matter what. I’ve gritted my teeth and gone to appointments even though all I want is to crawl down a particularly deep hole. I’ve been going to the gym, even though the direct result of every session is melting down into a teary mess. I’ve even forced myself to be occasionally social, when really I’d rather wrestle angry bears.

So I’ve done my best, and it’s not good enough. I’m not beating this. What now?

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