This week, I decided to leave the care of the psychologist I was seeing. I do so with very mixed feelings.
One one hand, I did not feel comfortable with her. There were several reasons, from the banal (she was almost always running late) to the more important (her insistence that she was not an expert). I just never really felt good with her. It all came to a head last week, when she wanted to talk about my suicidal thinking, and I said I didn’t want to. The truth was, I didn’t feel safe enough with her to talk about it (but I couldn’t tell her that). This completely derailed the session, and we just couldn’t find a way around it. Even when I said we could just go back and talk about it, it seemed that it had just gone too pear-shaped to recover.
On the other hand, every professional that I have been in contact with over the past nine months has strongly recommended that I see a psychologist, and the one I was seeing was highly recommended. I feel like if I don’t work with her, that I’m not doing everything I can to become well and stay well. It feels like a personal failing that it isn’t working out, because everyone says I need a psychologist’s input, and it seems to work for other people, so why not me?
It’s all twisted up inside me. I guess it will take a while for me to figure it all out. Maybe I’ll try again later, with someone else. Right now, I think I need to recover more from the intense appointment overload of the last nine months.