A few days ago the excellent Bipolar Bear considered how neat it could be if you could watch a highlights reel of your life. And that would be seriously neat. Remembering all the good times, reliving the best of your life – that would just be amazing.
Depression for me means that the reel playing in my head is ugly. It’s only the bad stuff, the things I am ashamed of. And there’s a whole lot of that. The reel plays constantly, but it’s always got new material – I’ve lived long enough to do a lot I regret. So I distract myself, because the weight of my sins will overwhelm me if I let it.
I want a better reel for my mind. Maybe not a greatest hits, but at least something a bit more balanced. Maybe that would be a sign of getting better. I wait, without much hope.