Today I had a friend pull out of a lunch date. To be honest, it’s not that unexpected. We only manage maybe half of the dates we set. What was unexpected is how I reacted.
Usually, It’s just a bit of an annoyance. I go grab some soup from the freezer and move on. But today it had me in tears. I was looking forward to lunch, to doing something nice for me, which hasn’t been very common lately. The closest I get to doing something for me is going to bed ridiculously early, to escape evenings that are just too much for me. I end up doing a lot for other people, a bit of hermit-ing, and nothing much that makes me feel good. So I was looking forward to it.
Now I’m a mess. Changing plans on me is getting less and less tolerable. My brain just can’t deal with it, and it kicks me over into meltdown mode. I had a friend moving down into my area, and I’d offered her some things, and had to organise some stuff for her. She decided that she wasn’t going to take the job down here, and didn’t bother to tell me until I asked her how packing was going. Meltdown. I can’t handle that change, and I really can’t handle being left out of the loop when I was putting a whole lot of effort into making it work.
My eldest daughter has decided she doesn’t want to go to after school care any more. She and her sister go because my partner and I both work from home, and it’s difficult to do that with the kids around, especially my younger, who is a lot of work. But the elder is ten now, and it should work ok, so I’m giving her a week-long trial. We’ll see how that goes. Her ballet has also had its time changed, which changes what I have to do on a Thursday afternoon.
Lots of changes this week. None of them particularly negative. But it’s all too much for this brain. I’m coping less and and less with these things. Meltdowns are becoming easier to trigger. I’m trying to offer less and less to people, so that I can’t get burned by them any more. It means being more of a hermit, and it’s what I want, because dealing with people is making me sick.
This is all just personal waffle, but I need to get it out. I’m not doing well any more, I don’t know if I’m going to stay stable or whether this is a new spiral down. I’m fragile, and scared of that fragility. Maybe it’s time for a new round of medication roulette and/or another go at some variety of talk therapy. I’ve got no faith in the latter, to be honest, after so many failed attempts. It’s the meds that have brought me up to coping-level each time, and then things are good. I can do ok, and then the few calming techniques I know work well. Then the meds stop working (or something. I don’t know what happens really) and things just go to hell. Maybe in the end I’ll take every drug under the sun in my daily cocktail, but I’ll be well.