The we-Phone

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to hide his cellphone from me. As long as we’re together it’s not an iPhone, it’s a wePhone

This meme came floating past my consciousness this evening. It’s so wrong that my brain burns.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re two people in it together. Closeness is great, relationships are fun, but there’s one thing to note. You’re two people. You are different people with different lives. You’re not magically merged into one, and you have separate identities. If this is not true, then you need some help. Not having your own identity isn’t healthy.

Because you are separate people, with different groups of friends and so on, you’re going to get messages that are for you, not y’all (why is there not a better word in my vocabulary for that?). It doesn’t make sense, in this era of ubiquitous technology, to have a single phone for the two of you (as long as you have the means). Messages for him go to his phone, messages for her to hers, and messages for both go to whichever one is more likely to check their phone in a timely fashion.

So to the meat of the matter. If he’s not allowed to have a personal phone stay personal, there’s a problem. The message that she is giving him is that she doesn’t trust him, even that he’s not a trustworthy person. That’s rather damning, really. Relationships are built on trust, and if you can’t trust the one you’re with, perhaps you shouldn’t be with them.

On the other side, he isn’t getting any space to himself. Apart from getting the message that he’s untrustworthy, he just doesn’t get any privacy. He can’t plan her a surprise birthday party, and he can’t really plan anything for himself without asking her permission. It’s a tool of control, with her taking an inordinate amount of control over his life. On the receiving end, then, we have him being told that he is not trustworthy, and that he has no freedom, needing permission for everything. That’s a sick relationship.

It’s an iPhone, for an individual. Controlling, manipulative behaviour like forcing the sharing of all a guy’s personal messages is not ok.

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