A sick brain that thinks sick thoughts

Recently, my brain has been even less useful than usual at thinking real thoughts, instead of fantastical crazy depressed thoughts. It’s frustrating, because there is a part of me that looks at life logically and thinks, ‘Brain, you’re being stupid. Try and get in touch with reality, won’t you?’. But that nice logical part of me isn’t always on, and when it is the rest of my brain usually isn’t paying it the slightest bit of attention.

I haven’t been properly suicidal in months, and yet when my psychiatrist prescribed me amitriptyline, the thoughts came back. I have known for a very long time that tricyclic antidepressants, particularly amitriptyline, are dangerous in overdose, and having them temptingly within reach was overwhelming. I have had my husband put them somewhere I can’t find them. It’s crazy, because I was in a moderately depressed state but not catastrophically bad, and the moment I had the drugs within my grasp it all went to hell.

I’ve been volunteering for a non-profit for a couple of months now, and really enjoying it. It felt good to come out of university and be immediately occupied. It didn’t give me any time to sink into a deeper depression. Now, they have some funding that means that I might have a chance to be paid for what I do, which is pretty neat. I have a meeting with the chief operations officer today to talk it over and sort things out.

Brain? This is awesome. Brain? Brain?? Oh hell there it goes again. They feel obliged to do this because I’m the wife of one of their software developers. They’ll replace me as soon as they find someone better, and that won’t take them long. Oh god what do I wear? If I get that wrong what will they think of me? . . . Brain. BRAIN! Stop it! Things will be fine!

I read about the protective effects of good parenting on mental health and I think ‘Oh. My kids are screwed’. Brain? I’m a perfectly adequate parent, thank you. Things like that, all the time. Intrusive thoughts that make me so miserable. Even when I’m able to let them go because I logic my way around them, they still leave a lingering negative feeling.

I wish, so much, that I could have a brain that just thinks normal-people thoughts. That had negativity and positivity in reasonable balance. That understood interactions as not inherently frightening and dangerous. That just bloody well played nice!

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