Last night, I was informed that my ex-husband had been granted interim guardianship and an interim parenting order for my youngest daughter. I’m not going to lie, it hit me like a punch in the gut. It was just a formalising of our current arrangement, but it underlined my failing as a mother. My baby girl is his now, and while I have equal say in important decisions about her life, her day to day care is ordered out of my hands.
It shouldn’t hurt so much. It’s the right thing for her. It’s the right thing by me. My ex is thrilled (I think). It’s just legalising what was already in place. But I’m dancing on the edge of tears and have been since the message came through last night, and I have dissolved into them more than once.
I thanked my ex for everything he had done, and he saw the message but didn’t respond. I think that might actually hurt more. He has been amazing through this whole process, and I wanted to acknowledge my gratitude for that, but he stonewalled me. I should have realised that he really wants nothing to do with me, but will tolerate me for my girl’s sake.
It broke me last night. I loved him. Love him. Whatever. He was the most amazing thing in my world. So much love and support and care and dedication, and I broke everything and will never have it back. It makes me hate myself more than a little bit sometimes.
I’m building a new life, with new, amazing people in it, but the shadow of the old life still casts its pall sometimes. I can’t look back, or I will break. I can only go forward. Life after that kind of love is very very hard.